Keep it clean

 I cleaned two days ago. By "cleaned" I mean I got rid of all the clutter and prepared for Christmas day - the onslaught of toys and visitors. 

And now, at 6am, while everyone is asleep, I wonder....why did I even bother?

There are books on the living room floor serving as platforms for superheroes poised in mid-fight. Blocks shoved almost under the couch. Hotwheels cars in the middle of the floor daring my 42 year old body to step on them, lose my balance, and break/pull something so that I hurt for days. An exercise band is woven around the knobs of the chest of drawers that holds the toys so that you can't open them to put the toys away. There is a super hero mask on the floor near the kitchen, you know, in case you need to save the day real quick. There are dirty dishes in the sink, dried play dough crumbs on the floor, and pretzel crumbs near Josiah's seat. Amazon boxes are stacked up in the dining room. Again. 

I "bothered" to clean up, so I wouldn't have to do it today. Which is great logic at first glance. Right? That's how I was raised. You clean up now, so you don't have to scramble and do it later. But clearly something here has gone wrong. I've messed something up, and it's not just the dirt on the floor that was tracked in from the sandbox.....

What I forgot to do was to threaten everyone within an inch of their lives to keep it clean so I wouldn't have to do it again. 

Novice mistake. Total rookie. 

So if you are coming to my house at any point during this Christmas season, expect a mess. But you probably won't be coming to my house at any point during this Christmas season, because COVID. 

Thank you COVID. You finally did something right. You kept people out of my home on Christmas and I didn't have to worry about the place being tidy. (or did you?) (I'm not going to tell you if I have people in my home or not. Or if it was just the requested 10 people or 50 people.) (Who am I kidding? I don't know 50 people well enough to invite them into my home. And I don't have room for them.)

I digress. 

This blog is NOT about COVID excuses. This is about ways to keep things "tidy" for just a couple of days. That's all I'm asking. I feel like a week would be asking too much. Just 2 days. So here's my brainstorm for ways to keep things tidy for 2 days when you live with a husband, an infant, and a preschooler:

1) Keep your mouth shut and passive aggressively clean things up by yourself. Include lots of heavy sighs and eye rolls. Be miserable. Unfortunately, this will breed resentment in your heart - even if you are only acting. Not a viable plan.

2) Threaten everyone. At least once a day. NO SANTA CLAUS FOR YOU! The elf on the shelf is watching you. Pick up after yourselves or I'm going to lose my mind and move to a hotel. Unfortunately, the more you do this, the more angry you feel. And threats lose their impact over time. Also not viable. Besides, everyone knows that Santa is coming anyways. Show me one case where Santa didn't show up. 

3) Make it a game. Nothing says fun like a game. Let's see who can chuck the most toys in the drawer! Unfortunately, with a preschooler, this only works for about 3 toys. Then it's game over. At that point, things will inevitably turn for the worse. You will get a series of "I was still playing with that!" or "NOOOOO!" or my favorite, "Mommy, that's not a game. That's cleaning up and I don't want to do that right now. No thank you."

4) Scramble and the last minute to shove things out of sight, vacuum the floor, and light a candle. When you answer the door breathlessly, it's because you are just so excited to see the guests!!!!!! 

Clearly Number 4 is the ONLY option. 

And so friends, that is how I live. In the moment, picking up the stuff, putting it away seconds before you step out of your car and into my driveway. It's enough to make my mother's heart break. My grandmother would be appalled if she were still living. But for me and my group of boys, that's how we roll. 

Just remember, when one of us greets you at the door, we aren't always out of breath with anticipation of your gracing us with your presence. It just means when finished some cleaning aerobics. 

Also, don't look under the couch.