getting pregnant at 38 years old is a lot more difficult than...well....it's just difficult. being pregnant at 38 is difficult. but then again, it's pregnancy...it's not for the faint of heart.
that's a warning. this entry is messy. funny in parts. but messy.
during the first trimester it was always a toss up as to when i would actually throw up. no pun intended. i always felt like i could throw up, but would i? the first time i did i called my mom crying because it was in the afternoon and i was certain i had food poisoning and i was going to kill the baby.
"are you still hungry?" she asked.
"well..yeah."
"then you are pregnant. not sick. and you already knew that. pull it together."
i threw up at a burrito restaurant in front of our truck once, while my husband continued to eat just feet away as if nothing was happening. that was nice. when vomiting in public you don't want any extra attention drawn to yourself. nothing to see here. keep walking folks, keep walking....
the only things i felt like i could eat were bacon egg and cheese biscuits, kraft mac and cheese, and milkshakes. oh sweet delicious milkshakes....how i love you.
one time i found myself in a parking lot after school covered in salt and chocolate. apparently i had left my body and devoured french fries and a wendy's frosty.
the second trimester i felt great. my feet started to swell but i felt great.
then it happened. the third trimester. i was big. so big that one time i got trapped in a bathroom stall. there wasn't enough room to open the door. i thought about using my phone to call my husband for help. i mean he was in the restaurant waiting for me. but what would he do? rip the door off the hinges? and then we'd just have to pay for it. so i managed to weasel my way out, but from then on i used the handicap stall.
in the middle of the night my right calf would cramp up like i had been bitten by a rattlesnake. the entire muscle would turn into a knot and my foot would curve in like it was possessed.
one day i was walking the dogs and i coughed. that cough forced me into a lifestyle that i never thought would happen to me. the lifestyle of having to constantly wear something to catch the pee. yes, friends, i peed my pants walking the dogs.
my ankles were just huge. and my feet. WOW. my toes were like sausages and i was convinced i would never wear normal shoes again. just crocs forever. big ugly crocs. and then the crocs stopped fitting....
fortunately that was about the time i had to leave work due to some blood pressure issues. if you don't go to work, you don't have to wear shoes. in fact, you don't even have to get dressed.
that was also about the time they decided that my sweet baby was going to be a scheduled c section because he was breeched. but not just any breech. my son was exceptionally breeched. both feet down and head up. thanks kid.
we would frequently see him rub his hands over his head in the womb. we tried everything to turn him but the midwife said stop. she said he was probably like that for a reason. so we got his eviction papers for 4/28 and i wasn't the least bit nervous. this baby had to come out. immediately. i wanted him out. my back hurt all the time. i couldn't sleep. there was no comfortable position. and i was hoarding food in the freezer like the zombie apocalypse was happening any day now. some people clean for their nesting, i hoard food.
i wasn't nervous until i got on the operating table and they talked about sticking me in the back with a needle to paralyze me. and i became terrified. the midwife hugged me and said it would be easy and fine. and it was. in fact the dentist hurts more than that. it was nothing.
everything after that was in fast forward. i wished everyone would just slow down. probably because of the morphine, but i didn't know i had morphine at the time. i just remember being super annoyed that everyone wouldn't chill out.
after about 15 minutes of holding my husband's hand i heard it. "the cord is wrapped around his neck 3 times. he won't let go of it." everything stopped and then at 3:01pm he screamed. it was the sound of being startled and confused. it was the sound of the first gasp of air instead of fluid. it was life. it was amazing and angelic, which surprised me because most cries up until this point sounded awful to me. i recall being on a train in nyc with a wailing child and we looked at each other like "sheesh. when will it end?" i felt for that mom. but this was totally different.
or maybe it was the morphine.
6 pounds 12 ounces. "are you sure you got all of him? i swear he felt bigger than that." but no one was paying attention to me anymore. and that's ok.
my husband brought josiah over to me still screaming and i told little josiah to calm down, that he was ok, and everything was fine. he sighed and promptly flipped me the bird.
and that's how i met Josiah. he took up residence in my body very purposefully. he stretched my skin, hurt my back, enlarged my feet to huge aching water balloons, turned my belly button inside out, flipped head up forcing me into major abdominal surgery where i will ALWAYS have a scar and then had the audacity to flip me off.
yes. that is indeed my child.
that's a warning. this entry is messy. funny in parts. but messy.
during the first trimester it was always a toss up as to when i would actually throw up. no pun intended. i always felt like i could throw up, but would i? the first time i did i called my mom crying because it was in the afternoon and i was certain i had food poisoning and i was going to kill the baby.
"are you still hungry?" she asked.
"well..yeah."
"then you are pregnant. not sick. and you already knew that. pull it together."
i threw up at a burrito restaurant in front of our truck once, while my husband continued to eat just feet away as if nothing was happening. that was nice. when vomiting in public you don't want any extra attention drawn to yourself. nothing to see here. keep walking folks, keep walking....
the only things i felt like i could eat were bacon egg and cheese biscuits, kraft mac and cheese, and milkshakes. oh sweet delicious milkshakes....how i love you.
one time i found myself in a parking lot after school covered in salt and chocolate. apparently i had left my body and devoured french fries and a wendy's frosty.
the second trimester i felt great. my feet started to swell but i felt great.
then it happened. the third trimester. i was big. so big that one time i got trapped in a bathroom stall. there wasn't enough room to open the door. i thought about using my phone to call my husband for help. i mean he was in the restaurant waiting for me. but what would he do? rip the door off the hinges? and then we'd just have to pay for it. so i managed to weasel my way out, but from then on i used the handicap stall.
in the middle of the night my right calf would cramp up like i had been bitten by a rattlesnake. the entire muscle would turn into a knot and my foot would curve in like it was possessed.
one day i was walking the dogs and i coughed. that cough forced me into a lifestyle that i never thought would happen to me. the lifestyle of having to constantly wear something to catch the pee. yes, friends, i peed my pants walking the dogs.
my ankles were just huge. and my feet. WOW. my toes were like sausages and i was convinced i would never wear normal shoes again. just crocs forever. big ugly crocs. and then the crocs stopped fitting....
fortunately that was about the time i had to leave work due to some blood pressure issues. if you don't go to work, you don't have to wear shoes. in fact, you don't even have to get dressed.
that was also about the time they decided that my sweet baby was going to be a scheduled c section because he was breeched. but not just any breech. my son was exceptionally breeched. both feet down and head up. thanks kid.
we would frequently see him rub his hands over his head in the womb. we tried everything to turn him but the midwife said stop. she said he was probably like that for a reason. so we got his eviction papers for 4/28 and i wasn't the least bit nervous. this baby had to come out. immediately. i wanted him out. my back hurt all the time. i couldn't sleep. there was no comfortable position. and i was hoarding food in the freezer like the zombie apocalypse was happening any day now. some people clean for their nesting, i hoard food.
i wasn't nervous until i got on the operating table and they talked about sticking me in the back with a needle to paralyze me. and i became terrified. the midwife hugged me and said it would be easy and fine. and it was. in fact the dentist hurts more than that. it was nothing.
everything after that was in fast forward. i wished everyone would just slow down. probably because of the morphine, but i didn't know i had morphine at the time. i just remember being super annoyed that everyone wouldn't chill out.
after about 15 minutes of holding my husband's hand i heard it. "the cord is wrapped around his neck 3 times. he won't let go of it." everything stopped and then at 3:01pm he screamed. it was the sound of being startled and confused. it was the sound of the first gasp of air instead of fluid. it was life. it was amazing and angelic, which surprised me because most cries up until this point sounded awful to me. i recall being on a train in nyc with a wailing child and we looked at each other like "sheesh. when will it end?" i felt for that mom. but this was totally different.
or maybe it was the morphine.
6 pounds 12 ounces. "are you sure you got all of him? i swear he felt bigger than that." but no one was paying attention to me anymore. and that's ok.
my husband brought josiah over to me still screaming and i told little josiah to calm down, that he was ok, and everything was fine. he sighed and promptly flipped me the bird.
and that's how i met Josiah. he took up residence in my body very purposefully. he stretched my skin, hurt my back, enlarged my feet to huge aching water balloons, turned my belly button inside out, flipped head up forcing me into major abdominal surgery where i will ALWAYS have a scar and then had the audacity to flip me off.
yes. that is indeed my child.
More! More! Love your writing!
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