listen! can you hear that? the refrigerator is running. a low constant hum. but other than that there's nothing. wait no...just birds outside. yep. that's the sound of nothing. quiet. i forgot what that sounded like until just now. usually there's a tv or aaron talking or josiah playing. but right now there's nothing.
this morning i had to take rocko the dog to the vet. rocko is 13 years old and i've had him for 10 of those 13 years. he's fine. don't worry. he's very theatrical. so last night when he started yelping and wouldn't go up the stairs or down the stairs, i didn't know if it was for real or if he just wanted attention. seeing as how he's the oldest dog in the house i erred on the side of caution and took him to the vet. he's got a little knee injury and some pain meds. ultimately he just wants to be left alone. but he's fine.
in order for me to take rocko to the vet, josiah had to go with his dad to a meeting at church. so now i'm back from the vet and everyone else is gone. cici the big dog is asleep. frasier the little dog is asleep. and rocko is under the bed, asleep. i'm here sitting in the chair in the living room alone. listening to the refrigerator. wondering what to do. and there's definitely a lot to do....
i could clean out the closet. i could take a long relaxing bath. i could vacuum the floor. i also need to do the budget for next month. there's that laundry basket of baby clothes at the foot of the bed that i need to go through. oh yeah, speaking of the bed it's a disaster. i should totally wash the sheets and make the bed. it's also lunch time. i should eat something. a nap. a nap would be awesome, but i don't know how soon they will be home so i don't want to commit to a nap only to be disappointed, you know? if you are going to nap, you really need to not be interrupted to fully enjoy it. then there's the kitchen table. wow that's a mess of paperwork and stuff. i haven't gotten josiah's birth certificate yet either. i could drive to durham and make that happen....but i just can't.
i have a list of stuff to do, but it's so darn quiet i can't focus long enough to find a starting point. on top of that, i just don't want to. it's summer time. this is the first time i've been alone in...well...since...i'm not even sure. i guess the last time i was alone i was pregnant, out of work for health reasons with giant feet. so that would have been...what? april 26 2017? a wednesday. i had josiah on a friday. so on that wednesday i was in high gear prepping. the last time i was alone with no real impending major life change was 2014.
so what did i do before all of this?
in 2014 i lived in a town home with rocko and frasier. i wasn't engaged. i wasn't married. i owned my home, but it wasn't a house so there was no exterior maintenance like yard work to deal with. i liked running. i liked working out at the gym. those two things allowed me to eat pretty much whatever i wanted which is why i endured them. it wasn't like i was super fit. i was ok. i wasn't participating in an ironman. but i was able to order chinese food and have it delivered to my house. rocko and i love the crab rangoons.
i think i spent the summer of 2014 refinishing ALL the cabinets in my townhouse. in fact i'm certain of it. i bought an electric sander. i sanded and stained all of them. i'm also pretty sure i went to the beach. i stayed up late watching trashy tv. i took naps whenever i wanted without being interrupted. and yet all i really wanted was to marry this guy i had been dating for over a year and have a family with him. all of that "freedom" i had was very boring and empty to me.
now i find myself with a moment of it - life like it was - and i have no idea what to do with myself. i know all the things i should do. i know all the things i could do. but for now, i think i'm happiest just procrastinating. and thinking. and maybe just a little bit, i'm wishing my boys were home to make some noise or a mess that i'd have to clean up.
this morning i had to take rocko the dog to the vet. rocko is 13 years old and i've had him for 10 of those 13 years. he's fine. don't worry. he's very theatrical. so last night when he started yelping and wouldn't go up the stairs or down the stairs, i didn't know if it was for real or if he just wanted attention. seeing as how he's the oldest dog in the house i erred on the side of caution and took him to the vet. he's got a little knee injury and some pain meds. ultimately he just wants to be left alone. but he's fine.
in order for me to take rocko to the vet, josiah had to go with his dad to a meeting at church. so now i'm back from the vet and everyone else is gone. cici the big dog is asleep. frasier the little dog is asleep. and rocko is under the bed, asleep. i'm here sitting in the chair in the living room alone. listening to the refrigerator. wondering what to do. and there's definitely a lot to do....
i could clean out the closet. i could take a long relaxing bath. i could vacuum the floor. i also need to do the budget for next month. there's that laundry basket of baby clothes at the foot of the bed that i need to go through. oh yeah, speaking of the bed it's a disaster. i should totally wash the sheets and make the bed. it's also lunch time. i should eat something. a nap. a nap would be awesome, but i don't know how soon they will be home so i don't want to commit to a nap only to be disappointed, you know? if you are going to nap, you really need to not be interrupted to fully enjoy it. then there's the kitchen table. wow that's a mess of paperwork and stuff. i haven't gotten josiah's birth certificate yet either. i could drive to durham and make that happen....but i just can't.
i have a list of stuff to do, but it's so darn quiet i can't focus long enough to find a starting point. on top of that, i just don't want to. it's summer time. this is the first time i've been alone in...well...since...i'm not even sure. i guess the last time i was alone i was pregnant, out of work for health reasons with giant feet. so that would have been...what? april 26 2017? a wednesday. i had josiah on a friday. so on that wednesday i was in high gear prepping. the last time i was alone with no real impending major life change was 2014.
so what did i do before all of this?
in 2014 i lived in a town home with rocko and frasier. i wasn't engaged. i wasn't married. i owned my home, but it wasn't a house so there was no exterior maintenance like yard work to deal with. i liked running. i liked working out at the gym. those two things allowed me to eat pretty much whatever i wanted which is why i endured them. it wasn't like i was super fit. i was ok. i wasn't participating in an ironman. but i was able to order chinese food and have it delivered to my house. rocko and i love the crab rangoons.
i think i spent the summer of 2014 refinishing ALL the cabinets in my townhouse. in fact i'm certain of it. i bought an electric sander. i sanded and stained all of them. i'm also pretty sure i went to the beach. i stayed up late watching trashy tv. i took naps whenever i wanted without being interrupted. and yet all i really wanted was to marry this guy i had been dating for over a year and have a family with him. all of that "freedom" i had was very boring and empty to me.
now i find myself with a moment of it - life like it was - and i have no idea what to do with myself. i know all the things i should do. i know all the things i could do. but for now, i think i'm happiest just procrastinating. and thinking. and maybe just a little bit, i'm wishing my boys were home to make some noise or a mess that i'd have to clean up.
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