Pros and Cons

 Three years ago today I was 42 years old and I held a 10 week old stranger in my arms and wept. Wept meaning I ugly cried into a reusable cloth mask that got soggy and gross. Between gasps I said "Where have you been? We've looked all over for you." I held on to that little boy like my life depended on it. I hardly put him down for the first 24 hours. Ok, maybe longer than that. A lot longer than that. He is my last little boy. My last round at 3t overalls and striped shirts. Teething giraffes and the many many parts of Dr. Brown's bottles. Chunky legs, late nights, first teeth, first steps, first crawls.....

Now I have  3 year old blonde haired mullet man who says catch phrases like:

"You are NOT my best friend."

"If you want to be the man, you gotta beat the man."

"Jesus is in my heart - don't freak out."

"You are my best friend."

And he can sing every word to Amazing Grace. 

His older brother is 6 years old and reads books to him. He explains how hot wheels track fit together. He tells Eli that if he learns to use the potty he will never get diaper rash again.  When they wake up too early, they sit on the couch together, leaning into one another, wrapped in a blanket while watching cartoons. Eli has a big boy bed now, and will not hesitate to call Josiah across the hall to break him out of his room by helping him over the baby gate. "You can do it Josiah. Pick me up. Let's work together - get the stool from the bathroom."

They make fierce competitors, constant companions, forever friends. Brothers. It's like watching a secret friendship develop in your own home. No one will know them as well as they know each other. They are teaching each other, sharpening their skills for life - iron sharpens iron. 

The best part? I'm the girl who gets to watch all of this unfold right before my eyes. 

I spent the better part of 8 years fighting for this. Clawing my way through doctors and paperwork. Praying relentlessly that a family of four would appear in my home. Worrying that I waited too long, that I wasted time, that I missed out. Desperately hoping that I could have a glimpse of life - the mess, the joy, the lows, the sweet moments. The continuation of traditions with the hope that when I'm long gone someone will tell our story. 

One morning, while the chaos of raising these boys swirls around me and I sip my morning coffee, I get to this article: https://www.wral.com/story/should-you-get-pregnant-the-pros-and-cons-of-having-kids/21147261/

I stop short. Pros and cons?

I love a good pros and cons list. Just ask any kid I've had in my counseling office in the past 20 years. Some of my favorite include:

The pros and cons of doing homework instead of procrastinating.

The pros and cons of lying to your parents.

The pros and cons of keeping that person as a friend.

The pros and cons of this or that academic path.

I've even done some for myself recently. The pros and cons of buying Hoka Bondi shoes for work. The pros and cons of meal planning. 

But this article....well, it's not informative. It's not helpful. And I personally find it incredibly bleak in a world where birth rates are dropping. 

If you are married and you are looking at this pros and cons list and wondering if you should get pregnant, let me help you out. Yes. Yes, you should get pregnant. Yes you should adopt. Yes, you should have tiny humans that will keep you up all night and ruin your furniture. Yes, you and your spouse should go on this amazing journey of building a family. It is harrowing. It is thrilling. It is worth it. There is nothing that compares. And you should do it now. Immediately. 

You aren't promised tomorrow. Your career will never be perfect or anywhere near as fulfilling as raising people. You will never have enough money. If you are waiting for life to be "just right," quit. It won't be. It's life. 

Alone time. Yes it shrinks. But it's still there. As a parent the whole time you are alone you are thinking about the people you love and wondering what they are doing. Coming home is so much sweeter when children are there to greet you. As a dog lover, I can confirm, the joy on your child's face is way better than a tail wag. Alone time is over rated. 

Sleep? It's still there. Will it look different? You betcha. But providing comfort to a sick or teething child in the middle of the night is precious. You will never be needed or appreciated more. Eli had trouble sleeping tonight. He said, "Mommy, I want you to stay here forever." You don't get that without kids. 

Everything will take longer. Having a child is like being stuck in rush hour bumper to bumper traffic. But you know what? It's ok. You learn to plan ahead, be prepared, and slow down. Yes, you will want to pull your hair out at times. But you won't. And moving slower won't kill you. 

They are expensive. But so are groceries these days. And gas. And vacations. Taylor Swift tickets. Every month we pay $400 more than our mortgage for childcare for Eli. Then you add in health insurance. Saving for college and cars. But you know what? You learn to cut corners. Thrift stores, used baby items, used furniture, hand me downs, yard sales, if there is a will there's a way. Josiah's first Christmas had lots of toys from a thrift thing we went to. He has no clue. He was 9 months old. He has no memory. Consignment shops have Dr. Browns bottles - pre-owned. Guess what? They can be sterilized. 

Having a family is a complete adjustment to a whole new life. It can't be reduced to making a simple list of pros and cons. It can't even be reduced to words. Don't waste a second of your life on fleeting things like careers, sleep and rushing here and there. God made you and there is nothing more miraculous than building a family. From the first moments of pregnancy or hearing that the precious soul you have loved for the past year has your name and is forever part of your family tree. All the upsets and tragedies you *might* face along the way, make the adventure that much richer and the love feel that much deeper. 

For those of you that might find yourself unmarried, alone, pregnant and terrified of what's next - there's love for you too. I know for a fact that there are thousands of families that would love to meet you. Families that will love you, despite any shame or baggage that you carry. They will love you just as you are. Don't be afraid and don't listen to the ones that judge you. If you are brave enough, to seek them and  choose them, they will parent that child and love them beyond explanation. When I heard Eli's name, I knew. When I heard her story, I knew. And when we finally met as a family, it was just as it was intended to be.